Today, I took a sick day from work because I’ve been having a shitty month or two. And I needed a break. So I took one. And what I did with it was fabulous. I drove out onto the empty Eastern Colorado plains all afternoon, and as the sun set, I stopped at a little cemetery. It was so quiet out there. Sometimes cars raced past or planes flew overhead, but for the most part, it was soul-drenching silence. Healing silence. And I watched the sun slowly dip down beneath the mountains. It was golden, glowing, an orb of possibility and a gentle nurturance. I looked up at the bowl of the blue sky and where it met the horizon… I looked down at the dusty brown earth that I sat on… I felt the air dance around my arms… I leaned back against the trunk of the tree on the edge of the cemetery. And I felt that the earth was carrying me. I was held in the circle of the earth. Gently accepted.
It was while I was out there, driving around and then sitting for 30 minutes at a country cemetery, that I finally realized something. Love isn’t a fantasy-filled, stars-in-your-eyes, “oops I just fell in” experience. Real love is acceptance. First, acceptance of self, flaws and all. Then acceptance of another, flaws and all. I’ve had a hard time loving myself, but I think this afternoon I finally started really GETTING it. It’s acceptance. Loving myself doesn’t have to be some grandiose experience. Instead it’s just a quiet moment where I say this to my Self:
“To love life [self], to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think, ‘How can a body withstand this?’ Then you hold life [self] like a face between your palms… and you say, ‘Yes… I will love you, again.’
That’s what I want to say to myself – “Yes… I will love you, again.”
So, re Hannah Katy and her March being the month of pick-me-ups… there’s a pick me up, from me to all of you, my readers. Take yourself, look her in the face despite all the flaws, and say “Yes… I will love you again.” Ahhh. Just breathe that in. Doesn’t that feel expansive? Rest, sink into that message and accept.
That is what I’m doing this month!!